Little Pieces of Light & Peace

2017, faith, Family, grief, loss, Toby

As Lent began, I searched for my focus for the next 40 days. I was looking for something that I could “do” that would help me in my grief, but also something that would help provide little pieces of light and peace. When we moved into our house last year there were two cardinals that would fly into the tree in front of our window in the family room. Every time we saw them we’d always hurry to the window “do you see them?” we’d say to Luke, as one of us was holding Toby in our arms. It was a moment of the day that made us smile. Last week I was sitting on the couch and something caught my eye at the window. I looked out and it was a cardinal, by itself, sitting in the tree. I hurried to the window to get a closer look at him, there for a split second, and then he flew away. There are many articles that say cardinals are visitors, angels, from heaven. It made me wonder, were the two that visited us over the summer watching over Toby? And the new visitor, this spring, is he alone for Luke? Or is that Toby visiting us?

We went away to the beach a few weeks after Toby died. In the mornings, the sky had these beautiful clouds with strong rays of light streaming down and reflecting on the ocean. Looking at it made me wonder what that sight was like from Heaven. How beautiful that must be. Can you imagine being able to have a seat and see any spot in the world? I cannot, but just the thought of that takes my breath away. Being able to have a place to sit in Heaven and look over your entire family? That is truly amazing.

I picked up a prayer book from church at the start of Lent. It has a short daily reflection and a few excerpts from Jesus’ journey to the cross. The focus of this prayer book is just that, prayer. How we pray. What we say to God. What we ask of God. His expectations for us.

Through these reflections, the Blessed Mother’s journey through this time have been front of mind for me. She is a grieving mother. She is a strong mother with the utmost faith in God. How did she do it? Through these first 20+ days of lent, I’ve found my focus. The Blessed Mother. I am laying my grief, anger, tears, sorrow, emptiness, loneliness, a longing to hold my sweet Toby in my arms and kiss his face, and the missing sound of TWO sets of tiny feet running through the hall upstairs, or our sons innocent laughs that we will never hear because they can’t play together. All of this. I’m laying at her feet for Lent and trying to join my grief to hers.

This 24th of March marks seven months. Those of you who have continued to follow in our journey through grief, through the loss of our beautiful son Toby, I am sure you are able to see some of our highs AND lows. And while there may be more of the latter, I continue to work on finding more of the former. It is so hard. Too hard to put into words. Too hard for many to understand the struggles we face, daily. The judgement, not said, but felt, to be happy, trust, move forward, accept. It is intense and paralyzing. I know, indisputably, we do not take a thing for granted anymore. I will be the first to tell you that prior to Toby’s death yes, I did take things for granted. So while I may not look like the most grateful person when you see me, I may not smile as much as I did, the depth of my gratitude for everyday moments runs deeper than you know. For I know, more than most, how quickly my greatest blessings can be taken away. How one, “Have a good day” kiss or “I love you” can be the last. I know the immeasurable pain of being robbed of ONE of the TWO greatest joys of my life.

As the seventh month anniversary comes at the mid-way point of Lent, I am noticing a change in myself. A loss of the pause when a stranger asks me about my children, because I don’t want them to be uncomfortable. The urge to be able to talk more about our loss and our joy with Toby for the time he was here. The desire to find ways to shed light on grieving parents and the societal pretense to “not talk about it” because it’s too uncomfortable. The bad days are still so dark and the worst moments still come at the drop of a hat. I continue to work on the acceptance of that. My prayers are different and the way I talk to God has completely changed. I continue to pray that when Toby sees Dan and me, he knows that the tears we are crying or the anger that causes us to curse at the sky is because the hole in our hearts for him is so big and each day without him is so hard. That there are just no words – only tears. I continue to hope that one day, through my actions, rebuilding, and finding a purpose on this journey I did not choose for our family’s life, that I can proudly say “Let me tell you about Toby. He is the one that showed me how to love beyond all measure. How to survive the unimaginable. How to live life for him.”

I am not there yet, Toby, but I’m working on it. Continue to hold my hand and my heart, sweet boy.

Week 4: Blue Apron Meal Delivery Service Review

2017, Cooking, Family, Food

Hi everyone – we had our final box of Blue Apron meals delivered on Friday and I’m really bummed to say we had a major mishap in shipping. When I opened the box, we had sweet pepper and apple cider vinegar that had leaked all over the dry ingredients on the top portion. It completely ruined the one meal bag’d ingredients. I ended up having to throw away the Spiced Chicken Chili ingredients because they had gotten all soggy sitting in the liquid. Blue Apron does a good job packing their food so that the protein is all on the bottom and kept frozen during delivery. There is a cardboard sheet that separates your dry ingredients on the top of that on the bottom. The liquid had drained all into the bottom of the box, and while everything was packaged it was soaked, sticky and smelled from the vinegar.

I took some pictures of all of this and sent Blue Apron an email, letting them know about this packaging mishap.

While their response was professional, I was a little disappointed. You’re paying about $60 for each box and they shipped something that ruined ingredients for one meal. Could they not have even just resent me another bag of the fresh ingredients so we could at least make the meal that was somewhat unsalvageable?

Here was their response email:

Maybe it’s because I work in customer service, but this was very “canned” in my opinion and just left a bad taste in my mouth for their service (all puns intended).

We did make the Cheddar Cheeseburgers and they turned out very well. There was a delicious Romaine Salad with this meal and we loved it. Dan cooked these. They suggested placing the hamburger buns in the oven, but he does a neat little short-cut that makes the grill marks on them and requires no oven! He places them, insides down on top of our 4-slice toaster and lets them grill on there for a few minutes – they are terrific!

Here’s my half-eaten burger 🙂 and the empty half of my plate that was covered in romaine before I remembered that we hadn’t photographed any of the meal prep for this one! (Blogging fail!)

I’m sort of bummed to have to end this 4 week review on a negative note. We enjoyed trying Blue Apron. Would we use it again? Yes, probably, but not continually. Maybe we’ll give it a shot in the summer when they have some recipes that utilize the grill. We love cooking outside and with how the majority of these meals turned out, I’m sure Blue Apron would have some great recipes with in-season ingredients.

One of the great things that Blue Apron does that we loved is you can search for a recipe online or through their app and find out everything you need to make the meal at home and making a trip to the grocery store yourself. This is actually a nice freebie!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this review series as much as we’ve loved cooking and taste-testing for you. We’d love to hear your experiences on meal delivery services and even some of the specific meals you or your families have enjoyed in the comments below!

Thanks for reading – Happy Cooking! 🙂

Not a Cloud in the Sky

2017, faith, Family, grief, loss, Toby

There are some days I can stop here and have a million things to tell you and there are others when all I can do is cry. This grieving process is such a roller coaster ride.

I went to get my haircut today and the lady asked me “what happened to your hair? It looks like it’s regrowing? Were you sick?” I frowned in the mirror. Yes, I lost a lot of it postpartum and then my son died, and I lost even more because my body couldn’t deal with it all. So it’s just starting to grow back. And then she said “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Is this your son?” And reached for Toby’s locket around my neck. “Yes, that’s Toby.” Her response made my proud. “Tell me about Toby. He is as beautiful as an angel.” I talked for awhile today, to a stranger, who genuinely wanted to hear about my son and our family. It was wonderful.

The last two days have been so nice outside. There are many small things that I pay attention to now. The morning my grandfather died in 2004, the rain poured. It rained for hours and the sky was black, even at mid-day. I remember my mom saying “It’s heavens tears. We weren’t ready for him to go.” The day that Toby died, the thunderstorms that evening were so strong. The thunder loud, cracks of lightning and the wind. I remember sitting there listening to it outside and now when I think about it, I feel like that was all my emotion happening inside me, but portrayed through the weather. I was in such a state of shock and so vulernably helpless. But I remember the way that storm made me feel, to this day. I think I always will.

Our family lost an amazing lady this week, my grandmother. Friday morning there was this beautiful sunrise on the way to work. I remember sitting at a stop light and looking around at the sky and it was this beautiful blue color. Not a cloud in sight. Just clear, calm and beautiful. And then I thought “this is for Grammy.” She is now at peace, in a place where there is no worry or anxiety. The sun always shines, there is nothing to cloud your mind.

Grammy holding Luke on his first Christmas

It is remarkable to me how when you really start to replay moments in your life, good ones and bad, there are many little things, details that we don’t notice at the time or we think have no impact, but they truly do. We all see and feel and believe in different ways. That part of this human life is truly amazing. Many do not realize it and I think some only do when they experience something that really causes you to slow down and watch what is going on around you.

I am someone who did not do this until Toby died. Slow down, that is. There are many times now when I find myself in the middle of the grocery store just watching people. Thinking about them. Or listening to conversations I overhear and really reflecting on them. It is amazing how oblivious we are to so many things. It’s incredibly sad. People are missing so much of life and of people they love, because they’re rushing to the next thing.

Dan and I have learned through the most heartbreaking experience that the next moment is not promised to you. Whether you are 89 years or 12 weeks. Our time here, with the people we love and who love us, is completely out of our control. What is in our control is the way we spend the time we are given and what we do. Take the trip. Make the call. Go visit your grandparent. Play the board game. Say your prayers at night. Talk about the weather with your children. Eat dinner together. Take your child to story time at the library in the middle of the work day. Believe me, you will be so happy you did.

As I was leaving the cemetery today I had this vivid image in my head of Grammy sitting on the beach and Toby was in her lap. Toby always loved the water.

I’m sure they will be spending a lot of time at the beach. Maybe take Toby to see the carnival lights at night, Gram. I have a feeling he would love the carousel. ❤

All the Love

2017, faith, Family, Home, Parenting

To the new mom who is running on two hours of sleep; no shower in a few days; same clothes you slept in from the day before; three week old baby asleep on your shoulder and the living room in front of you a mess from toys your two-year old has been playing with – I’m praying for you.

To the new foster mom in line at the store. Your cart not only filled high with food, clothes, winter jackets, hats and gloves, diapers, formula, soap and juice, but the two little girls that you just opened your home and heart to – I’m praying for you.

To the women in line at the pharmacy, holding a pregnancy test, your stomach in knots because you don’t want to go through the heartbreak of yet another miscarriage but yet you want a positive test; to be able to carry a healthy baby full term; and finally hold your child in your arms – I’m praying for you.

To the grandmother who has raised a family, watched her children marry and now have families and children of their own. Who have silently grieved while being strong for your daughters and sons as they have endured miscarriages, deaths of children, infertility and continual longing – I am praying for you.

To the mother who is now caring for her own mother. A women who adored her family and yet today no longer remembers who they are or who is caring for her, but loves you anyway and smiles as you brush her hair or sing her a song – I’m praying for you.

To the women who has done everything possible to conceive; ate all the right things; taken every pill or shot they’ve prescribed; prayed 1,000 times over and yet nothing is working and you feel like you’re body is failing you; preventing you from being the mom you always wanted to be; from your husband becoming a father; your parents a grandparent – I’m praying for you.

To the grandmother who is now raising her grandchildren, for whatever the circumstance may be. Who has opened her home to the laughter and tears, long nights and fights over what everyone wants for dinner, but goes to be each evening thanking God for these little blessings – I’m praying for you.

To the stay-at-home mom who would give anything for a night out, even if that just meant a trip to Target and a coffee on your own. Who was up before her family to finish laundry and pack lunches and who will have toys, books, craft supplies and dinner to clean up after bath time tonight – I am praying for you.

To the working mom whose alarm went off at 5am so you could get a workout in before the rest of your family was awake, worked a 8-5 day and only stopped to go to the bathroom once and whose lunch consisted of a pack of crackers and a diet coke. Who is on pick-up for daycare this week and would give anything for her email to stop while she’s watching just one episode of Mickey Mouse with her toddler before bedtime – I’m praying for you.

For the parents who have one child in the hospital and one, or more, child(en) at home. Who haven’t been in the same room with each other for weeks because they are focused on making sure each child is taken care of and feels like everything is going to be ok. Who take shifts sleeping and working, just to pay the medical bills and buy groceries, and sometimes don’t know what day of the week it is – I’m praying for you.

To the father holding the weight of the world on your shoulders so that your wife and children do not have to bear it. Finding all the right things to say when someone asks “how are you?”; defending and protecting your family with every ounce of strength you have that when you hit your knees to pray, all that comes are tears – I’m praying for you.

To the women and men who teach and care for our children while their parents are at work each day. Who comfort them when they are sick or skinned their knee playing outside. Who discipline them, even when you don’t want to, and show them how to share and pray. Who high-five them when they ace their spelling or math test and say “wait till you tell Mom & Dad” – I’m praying for you.

To the mother and father who’s weekly routine involves multiple visits to the cemetery, either before or after work, because you’ve suffered the loss of one or more children. Who spend time each week telling your children about what you wish you were doing with them, here on Earth, instead of them watching you from Heaven – I’m praying for you.

—

To anyone that reads this and can relate to any of these circumstances, I admire your ability to do it every day. I have seen each of you over the past few months and if it wasn’t for the death of my son, Toby, which caused me to look at life in a different way, I may not have seen you, or recognized how hard you are trying. I admire the patience you have, your ability to face each day and your dedication to those that depend on you. I wish you grace and peace for whatever road you are on. I know that you want the children in your lives to feel important and loved. And no matter what anyone says, they DO and that’s because of YOU. You do it best. You love them best and the exact way that they need to be loved.

I am praying for each of you this month because I have seen you and you’ve made an impact on my life, without knowing it, and how I look at every situation. Know that someone is praying for you and wishing that, if even for one moment of your day, you can see yourself and think “I am brave” or “I am doing my best.”

You do not feel it at all, I know. I’m right there with you. But you are. You are brave, and you are wise, and I hope you feel loved.

I found this leaf on the ground yesterday morning as I dropped Luke off. A little sign from our angel, Toby.

Week 2 & 3: Blue Apron Meal Delivery Service Review

2017, Cooking, Family, Food

This weeks Blue Apron box had Chicken & Bean Enchiladas, hamburgers and shrimp pasta.

The enchiladas were good, but unfortunately two of the tortillas that were sent in the package had holes right in the center of them, so they weren’t usable to fill and roll. Luckily I had some in the pantry, but if I wouldn’t have, we could have only made two tortillas.

These were pretty good, but could have used some guacamole or sour cream. They were a tad bit dry.

Dan cooked the hamburgers, which had great taste and were a good size. The cabbage slaw that was with this meal was good, but just too much, from a portion perspective. The sweet potato fries for this meal were minimal, not like the first weeks portions, which were just enough. His review was “Pretty simple to make. The burgers were really good. Way too much slaw with this one. (which I agree)”

The final meal was the shrimp pasta. This one was also pretty easy to make, not as much prep work as a few of the other meals we’ve had. I will say there was a ton of pasta. We probably could have had another meal with the left overs, but we didn’t have extra shrimp.

Overall, this weeks meals were OK. I think the first week meals were better. This next weeks box arrived yesterday and I have to say I’m pretty excited for the one meal, cauliflower pizza. It looks delicious and it’s not a pre-made pizza, there’s actual dough! 🙂

Week 3’s box arrived and had Cumin-Crusted Pork, Sicilian Cauliflower Pizza, and Seared Chicken and Pan Sauce.

I probably should have looked at the menu and switched a few things up. I’m not crazy about pork or pork chops. They were dry, even with the pan sauce. One positive thing has been the use of blood oranges in a few recipes. This is an ingredient I wouldn’t think of using, but it has been very good and brightened up the dishes. We’ve also learned we’re not fans of fennel or farro (It reminds me of that cereal ‘puffed wheat’ that I ate as a kid – yuck.). It was dry and pasty. Especially paired with the pork.

The Seared Chicken was good. Any chicken that we’ve eaten from Blue Apron has been really good. Another thing that has been a new cooking experience has been Kale – and we’ve really like it. I think that’s one thing we’ll be adding to our grocery list for dinners. Luke has also eaten the chicken and vegetables – I think that’s just a given with toddlers though.

Our final meal was the Sicilian Cauliflower Pizza – this was by far the best meal we’ve had from 3 weeks of meal trial. Luke really liked it. It was super easy to make. I loved that they used actual dough, not a pre-made pizza crust, and you could really taste the difference. We enjoyed cooking this one, as a family, which was a big difference from the other meals because of ingredients, cutting, and the prep work. I kept the recipe card for this meal so I can get the ingredients and make it again. I was a hit in our household!

All in all we’ve enjoyed the last three weeks trying different ingredients and meals with Blue Apron. We have one box left on our 4-week trial. We’re still not certain that we would continue our plan, just because of the price and all that’s involved for preparing, plus we’re cooking something different for Luke every night. But I think those pros/cons are different for every family.

One thing that Blue Apron has started to do is wine pairings with your meals for the month. And, keeping with their great concept of portion control, the bottles are sized for two.

It’s 6 wines per month, $10 per bottle. Three red and three white. I don’t think it’s the cheapest, but if you’re interested in trying some new wine and the right pairing for your meals, this is a nice perk. Also, not having tried it yet, I’m not sure if you have the option to update or switch what you’re being sent, like you can with the meals. If anyone has tried the wine from Blue Apron, let me know your thoughts and if it’s worth the money to try it with your meals. I’m interested in feedback on this.

I have a few codes that Blue Apron sent me for free meals. If anyone is interested in trying Blue Apron, comment below or send me an email: ourhappyplaceandco@gmail.com.

A New Endeavor

2017, Dan, faith, Family, Lucas, Marriage, Parenting, Toby

I have spend the last few weeks very focused in prayer. That was one of my small goals for the year. It has been normal in these times to also talk to Toby. Tell him what is on my heart and ask for guidance or some sort of sign as to whether or not I should even be carrying whatever it is that is heavy on my heart and mind.

An opportunity presented itself at the beginning of January as a way to help our mission of being a voice for grieving parents and parenting through the loss of a child, while also offering the chance to work with some amazing people. View the video below to see what door has opened for our family (video is ~10mins).

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We continue to be ever grateful for the support, encouragement, outreach, thoughts and prayers for our family. You are in our daily prayer of thanksgiving. Through this new endeavor I look forward to hearing, learning and growing more through those that follow us at Our Happy Place & Co., and those that find us through Pittsburgh Moms Blog Network.

Our 2017 Jar of Joy

2017, faith, Family, Home, Joy, Toby

We decided we needed to do something to brighten our days, since we’ve been in a bit of a funk since the New Year began. We have created a “Joy Jar” for our house. Some people say “happiness” or “blessings” but since we lost a huge part of our hearts and family, nearly 5 months ago, that didn’t seem to fit.

Our goal is to write down 1 thing a week that has brought us joy – a moment, an experience, a thought, a person, something we said to someone that was positive or brought a smile, or something we got to eat (this is more for Luke, but I’m sure we can all relate).

2017 Joy Jar & writing station

Im hopeful that with the accumulation of these we can start to physically see some of the joy that is present in our life. My constant prayer is that we can start to see and experience again the beauty that we are blessed with every day.

Who’s with us? We’d love to see and hear how you or your families experience joy or what brings you joy during each day. If you want, please share with us. We can all help each other be more aware of what is in our lives.

Find joy in your journey. No matter what path you are on. Embrace it. Count it. Write it down. Share it.

Ps – I created my first Instagram video talking about our Joy Jar. Yikes! How scary to see and hear yourself. I may need to test out some of those wonderful filters.