December began and brought more weight to our shoulders. When I felt like I couldn’t carry more, there was more – pain, sorrow, disbelief. We needed another focus. Dan and I have been working on a project for Toby. We are creating a foundation in his name – The Little Fox. We are still in the beginning stages, but we wanted to use it as a way to do something for Christmas in memory of him. We partnered with Play it Forward Pittsburgh and, working with a small group of friends, family, and neighbors, collected gently used toys for children and families in need this holiday season.

We had many ask if they could share with other groups they were involved with or post on social media and after much thought, we decided to keep it small for this first year. We were so grateful for the donations we received and the people that wanted to help us in any way possible. It showed us how much larger this effort could have been and we hope that in 2017, with a little more planning, we can help Play it Forward again, in Toby’s name.

There were five carloads of toys, materials to help the organization with their toy drive, and monetary donations that when given to Play it Forward totaled an amount that would help to cover a large amount of their operating budget for the upcoming year. They, along with Dan and I, were shocked and humbled by everyone that contributed to this drive.

Our friends Nick and Jess helped us make the delivery to the Convention Center, downtown Pittsburgh, where Play it Forward was accepting donations and organizing all the toys for their “one-day shopping” experience that they offer to anyone who needs help with toys for children at Christmastime. We got to meet Heather, co-founder of Play it Forward, who told us her and Amy’s story and how it has grown to the organization it is today. It was amazing to hear what they have done and the number of people they have been able to help, just from amazing people, just like those that helped us.

It was a bittersweet moment, standing in the bottom of the Convention Center with the pile of gifts we had unloaded, Luke running around with the volunteers, and thinking about how all of this happened and our amazing little boy, Toby, behind our donation. The ache in my heart at that moment, for him to be here with us, to be holding him in our arms – it was so intense. But for a moment, the room went quiet and the thought of how I wish you were here brought this feeling of warmth and a smile to my face.

Our garage was packed with donations – this was merely 10 days of collecting – amazing. (don’t mind the mess outside of the toys)

I talk to Toby a lot. Everyday. I had told him what were were doing and what was collected. When we stood in the garage sorting toys, I talked to him. I wanted him to know the smiles that all these things would bring to little boys and girls on Christmas morning. I hope he can see what Dan, Luke and I were able to do. I hope it makes him smile. He had the most beautiful smile and the cutest laugh that when you heard it, you couldn’t help but laugh with him. I hope that he is smiling and laughing with all the children that receive those toys this Christmas.

We continue to be amazed at people who offer their support during our time of grief. We’ve received cards in the mail from people we don’t know. Cards that offer thoughts, prayers, advice and even “thank you’s” for what we are doing. There have been a handful of notes that say “Toby would be proud.” Sometimes I look at those words and cry. I don’t want him to be proud – I want him to be here. But sometimes I look at those words and can look up and say I hope you are, sweet boy. Everything Dad and I do, we are doing it for you and for Luke. 

Our friends, Nick & Jess, helped us make the delivery to Play it Forward

Luke trying to “take back” a few of his donations 😉

Play it Forward was so thankful for our donations that they asked if they could thank us through their social media pages and post our website link so that others could hear about Toby and see what we’re hoping to do on his behalf. When they posted the link, it attached Toby’s picture to the post and when it popped up in my facebook newsfeed, it took my breath away.

Play it Forward’s Facebook post

How lucky are we that so many people will get to see Toby’s beautiful face and read his story? How many people will our story impact that prior to our one act of kindness, never would have known? That is just amazing to me.

Our Christmas Gift to Toby this year was smiles, joy and laughter to thousands of families in the Pittsburgh region. That is what I hope we can hold onto on Christmas morning when we’re wishing so badly that he was with us in our arms watching Luke play with his toys and experiencing so much love from our families.

Thank you to everyone that contributed to our drive. For those of you that clicked on the link and visited our site – thank you. We hope seeing Toby’s face put a smile on yours for the day and we thank you for continuing to support our efforts through The Little Fox | Toby’s Foundation in the future.

If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook  you may have seen my post from Thanksgiving morning. I have spent the last 13, going on 14, weeks looking, longing, desperately wanting to see something, find something, hear something that would soften this feeling of uncertainty – make me feel like Toby is OK.

When my grandfather passed away the summer of 2004, I had a hard time dealing with his death. It was the first time that someone that close had passed away and I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I was very emotional and had lots of questions. About a year after his death my Aunt Jamie said she had found some pennies in different places that she knew were from Pup. Then, I started finding them. A few here, a few there, but they always came when I needed them, or when I was missing him a lot. The morning of my wedding day, Aunt Jamie found one as she was leaving her house. We knew it was his way of telling us that he was there that day, even though we couldn’t see him.

For the past 13 weeks I haven’t found or seen any pennies. It’s really made me sad because I know in my heart that Pup is with Toby and that he was there when he entered Heaven. But has he not seen how hard the days are? Doesn’t he know how much I need something to help with this hurt and sorrow? Why isn’t he here? Then I started to question my own anger and questions – He can’t be here with me right now because he’s taking care of Toby. He has other things that he is helping the angels with. He is enjoying his time with Uncle Bill – they are playing with Toby.

One week before Thanksgiving as I was leaving work heading to the cemetery before dusk, I opened the side door to leave and right before I stepped down I looked to my feet and there it was – a penny. I reached down and grabbed it and squeezed it in my hand. I looked up, “Thank you, Pup.”

Thanksgiving this year was November 24. The 24^th. Three months since Toby passed away. Dan and I were really having a hard time the night before, knowing what the next day represented. Knowing that we had to be places we’d rather not be. Knowing we’d have to smile, when we’d much rather just sit together and cry. I went to bed an emotional mess. Crying and again asking for some answers. Reassuring Toby that our hearts were still broken and that when we thought it couldn’t hurt any more, it did, because we missed him so much.

I woke up Thanksgiving morning and went into the bathroom. I started to brush my teeth and looked in the mirror. I leaned in towards the mirror. Stuck on my left shoulder was a tiny white feather. I pulled it off and tears started rolling down my face. I couldn’t believe it. I had been waiting 13 weeks for something. And at a moment when I least expected it. At a moment when my mind was stuck on the sorrow of what the day could bring – he showed me. He let me know that he was there. In the exact spot where his head laid so many times over the 12 weeks and 5 days that he was here with us, he left me a sign.

Just yesterday I was at home with Lucas for the day. We were putting Christmas decorations up around the house and he was fixated with the window sticker Nativity Scene that we placed on the front door. He must have taken it off the door five times and then I’d put it back up. Last night, as I was cleaning things up after dinner, I picked the Nativity Scene up out of a basket Luke had been carrying it around in all day. I opened one of the stickers that had been rolled up and something fell into my lap. I looked down and there it was, another feather.

When I showed it to Dan he said “Maybe Toby is going to leave us feathers, instead of pennies like Pup does?” I went to bed last night wondering how often Toby is there in our home? I wonder if Luke gets to really see him, or if he plays with him? I wonder if he comes alone or is he with a loved one or another angel?

As I start to take steps forward on this new path that we were put on, I am beginning to realize that the only things in this life that are lasting are those we can’t hold with our arms, only with our hearts and souls. Love, friendship, faith – these are things that you can’t see with your eyes but yet you know are there.