As I first time mom, I remember wondering if I should be reading every book and taking every piece of advice that anyone had to offer. The pressure is a little overwhelming, isn’t it?
The new post on Pittsburgh Moms Blog talks about my scenario for bringing both boys home from the hospital. To say the least, it’s night and day.
Lately, I’ve been trying to reflect on the last six months. The reality of six months makes me so incredibly angry. The months of September and October, I have no recollection of. Lucas turned 2 on September 4. I have two moments of that day that resurface in my mind – the first – standing on the deck, it was so hot, our family singing happy birthday to him; the second – standing in the kitchen looking out into the backyard as our nieces and nephews ran down off the deck to play. I remember blinking, leaning toward the window, thinking “someone’s holding Toby.” Waiting for one of our parents to walk down into the yard with him in their arms. But no one came. Now, when I look out the kitchen window, that’s the memory that plays in my mind.
There was a good stretch of time where I was finally sleeping. These past few weeks I’ve been waking up multiple times a night. I woke up one night last week, while Dan was away for work, and I swore I heard crying. Not Luke’s cry. It was a baby, the softest whine. I opened my eyes thinking I would see the monitor. Nothing. Darkness. And the sound was gone.
The waves of tears and uncontrollable crying have been replaced by a calmness that I absolutely hate. I feel numb again, like I did in those first weeks. I hate it. I feel guilty that I can’t cry when I feel like I need to. But then there are moments it is all I can do. I am sad, depressed, angry – nothing anyone says is the right thing.
I never experienced pain or loneliness until Toby died. You think you experience pain; you think the loss of someone you love is beyond words; you think people understand. We don’t. I unfortunately can say this, because I’ve been on both sides of this.
You have no idea the pain of a grieving parent, unless you are a grieving parent. There have been many days this past month where my emotions are so bottled-up, feeling hurt, lost, and alone – the tears come when they come and there is no choice but to surrender to those feelings, because I don’t have the strength to stop them.
I said before that six months makes me angry, and most days it does. When I look at the calendar or the date in the bottom corner of my computer, I instantly think another day away from you. My arms hurt. I feel the pain inside and out and then, like another wave of emotion, I feel guilty. How should I feel? Do people look at us and think we should be moving through this grief more smoothly or quicker? Am I being the best mom I can be for Lucas? People say, It will get better; time will help; it won’t hurt as bad.
Yes. Yes it does. It does hurt as bad. As bad as August 24. The flashes in my mind on any day are enough to knock the wind out of any mother. On a bad day? They’re a nasty nightmare. The sound of an ambulance siren. The lights, even if I close my eyes, the red and brightness, flash and I can’t breathe. Some routes home, I look out the window sometimes and feel like I’m not even moving, but the feeling in my heart and stomach is the same from that afternoon. There are no words for it.
Others say things, intending to be helpful, but aren’t. I’m trying to learn to take what is, and leave what isn’t.
The weather the past few weeks has gone from 30 degrees and snowing one day to 60 degrees and sunny the next. I think these glimpses of spring, of warmer weather, are bringing emotions with them. As much as the past six months have been unbearable, I’m starting to feel anxiety for the next six. Toby’s birthday. June. July. August. One year. Vacationing without him. Going back to the pool and parks where we spent 12 amazing weeks as a family of four.
Some have said to us, I don’t know how you do it? I really don’t know either. Some days we just don’t. We don’t leave our house. We stay inside with Lucas and our dogs, Murray and Theo, and do whatever we feel like doing. I used to long for those days, when we could enjoy the boys together. Laugh. Play. Sing. We still have those days, but now I long for Toby to be there with us. Sometimes when I close my eyes, my wish is that I’ll open them and he’ll be right there in the swing. That’s a still that’s in my mind. The still of his face in the car the morning of August 24 when I was taking our boys to daycare. He was smiling and laughing at Lucas. I hate hitting the light on Rt. 22. That’s the still that’s in my mind, except when I hit that light, I almost feel like I’m watching my life. All the lights, people, fast moving vehicles – they haven’t stopped, or even slowed. But if I look right or left, there’s no sound, there’s no color. It’s just still.
As I continue to write, while it helps sometimes to get the feelings out and on paper, I hope that it will reach someone who’s maybe feeling the same. Whether in the first year of loss or the tenth. People go through many struggles. The loss of a child is a big struggle. A big, traumatic, loss. There is no fix for this. To lose a child is to lose the very heart and soul of you. My prayer right now is that this darkness that has come back will somehow make way for a time that will fuel me, us, to do things we never dreamed we could do. All while keeping the memory of our beautiful, blue-eyed, boy alive. And even though they hurt, I pray the stills never go away.
Hi everyone – we had our final box of Blue Apron meals delivered on Friday and I’m really bummed to say we had a major mishap in shipping. When I opened the box, we had sweet pepper and apple cider vinegar that had leaked all over the dry ingredients on the top portion. It completely ruined the one meal bag’d ingredients. I ended up having to throw away the Spiced Chicken Chili ingredients because they had gotten all soggy sitting in the liquid. Blue Apron does a good job packing their food so that the protein is all on the bottom and kept frozen during delivery. There is a cardboard sheet that separates your dry ingredients on the top of that on the bottom. The liquid had drained all into the bottom of the box, and while everything was packaged it was soaked, sticky and smelled from the vinegar.
I took some pictures of all of this and sent Blue Apron an email, letting them know about this packaging mishap.
While their response was professional, I was a little disappointed. You’re paying about $60 for each box and they shipped something that ruined ingredients for one meal. Could they not have even just resent me another bag of the fresh ingredients so we could at least make the meal that was somewhat unsalvageable?
Here was their response email:
Maybe it’s because I work in customer service, but this was very “canned” in my opinion and just left a bad taste in my mouth for their service (all puns intended).
We did make the Cheddar Cheeseburgers and they turned out very well. There was a delicious Romaine Salad with this meal and we loved it. Dan cooked these. They suggested placing the hamburger buns in the oven, but he does a neat little short-cut that makes the grill marks on them and requires no oven! He places them, insides down on top of our 4-slice toaster and lets them grill on there for a few minutes – they are terrific!
Here’s my half-eaten burger 🙂 and the empty half of my plate that was covered in romaine before I remembered that we hadn’t photographed any of the meal prep for this one! (Blogging fail!)
I’m sort of bummed to have to end this 4 week review on a negative note. We enjoyed trying Blue Apron. Would we use it again? Yes, probably, but not continually. Maybe we’ll give it a shot in the summer when they have some recipes that utilize the grill. We love cooking outside and with how the majority of these meals turned out, I’m sure Blue Apron would have some great recipes with in-season ingredients.
One of the great things that Blue Apron does that we loved is you can search for a recipe online or through their app and find out everything you need to make the meal at home and making a trip to the grocery store yourself. This is actually a nice freebie!
I hope you’ve enjoyed this review series as much as we’ve loved cooking and taste-testing for you. We’d love to hear your experiences on meal delivery services and even some of the specific meals you or your families have enjoyed in the comments below!
Thanks for reading – Happy Cooking! 🙂
There are some days I can stop here and have a million things to tell you and there are others when all I can do is cry. This grieving process is such a roller coaster ride.
I went to get my haircut today and the lady asked me “what happened to your hair? It looks like it’s regrowing? Were you sick?” I frowned in the mirror. Yes, I lost a lot of it postpartum and then my son died, and I lost even more because my body couldn’t deal with it all. So it’s just starting to grow back. And then she said “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Is this your son?” And reached for Toby’s locket around my neck. “Yes, that’s Toby.” Her response made my proud. “Tell me about Toby. He is as beautiful as an angel.” I talked for awhile today, to a stranger, who genuinely wanted to hear about my son and our family. It was wonderful.
The last two days have been so nice outside. There are many small things that I pay attention to now. The morning my grandfather died in 2004, the rain poured. It rained for hours and the sky was black, even at mid-day. I remember my mom saying “It’s heavens tears. We weren’t ready for him to go.” The day that Toby died, the thunderstorms that evening were so strong. The thunder loud, cracks of lightning and the wind. I remember sitting there listening to it outside and now when I think about it, I feel like that was all my emotion happening inside me, but portrayed through the weather. I was in such a state of shock and so vulernably helpless. But I remember the way that storm made me feel, to this day. I think I always will.
Our family lost an amazing lady this week, my grandmother. Friday morning there was this beautiful sunrise on the way to work. I remember sitting at a stop light and looking around at the sky and it was this beautiful blue color. Not a cloud in sight. Just clear, calm and beautiful. And then I thought “this is for Grammy.” She is now at peace, in a place where there is no worry or anxiety. The sun always shines, there is nothing to cloud your mind.
Grammy holding Luke on his first Christmas
I am someone who did not do this until Toby died. Slow down, that is. There are many times now when I find myself in the middle of the grocery store just watching people. Thinking about them. Or listening to conversations I overhear and really reflecting on them. It is amazing how oblivious we are to so many things. It’s incredibly sad. People are missing so much of life and of people they love, because they’re rushing to the next thing.
Dan and I have learned through the most heartbreaking experience that the next moment is not promised to you. Whether you are 89 years or 12 weeks. Our time here, with the people we love and who love us, is completely out of our control. What is in our control is the way we spend the time we are given and what we do. Take the trip. Make the call. Go visit your grandparent. Play the board game. Say your prayers at night. Talk about the weather with your children. Eat dinner together. Take your child to story time at the library in the middle of the work day. Believe me, you will be so happy you did.
As I was leaving the cemetery today I had this vivid image in my head of Grammy sitting on the beach and Toby was in her lap. Toby always loved the water.
I’m sure they will be spending a lot of time at the beach. Maybe take Toby to see the carnival lights at night, Gram. I have a feeling he would love the carousel. ❤
To the new mom who is running on two hours of sleep; no shower in a few days; same clothes you slept in from the day before; three week old baby asleep on your shoulder and the living room in front of you a mess from toys your two-year old has been playing with – I’m praying for you.
To the new foster mom in line at the store. Your cart not only filled high with food, clothes, winter jackets, hats and gloves, diapers, formula, soap and juice, but the two little girls that you just opened your home and heart to – I’m praying for you.
To the women in line at the pharmacy, holding a pregnancy test, your stomach in knots because you don’t want to go through the heartbreak of yet another miscarriage but yet you want a positive test; to be able to carry a healthy baby full term; and finally hold your child in your arms – I’m praying for you.
To the grandmother who has raised a family, watched her children marry and now have families and children of their own. Who have silently grieved while being strong for your daughters and sons as they have endured miscarriages, deaths of children, infertility and continual longing – I am praying for you.
To the mother who is now caring for her own mother. A women who adored her family and yet today no longer remembers who they are or who is caring for her, but loves you anyway and smiles as you brush her hair or sing her a song – I’m praying for you.
To the women who has done everything possible to conceive; ate all the right things; taken every pill or shot they’ve prescribed; prayed 1,000 times over and yet nothing is working and you feel like you’re body is failing you; preventing you from being the mom you always wanted to be; from your husband becoming a father; your parents a grandparent – I’m praying for you.
To the grandmother who is now raising her grandchildren, for whatever the circumstance may be. Who has opened her home to the laughter and tears, long nights and fights over what everyone wants for dinner, but goes to be each evening thanking God for these little blessings – I’m praying for you.
To the stay-at-home mom who would give anything for a night out, even if that just meant a trip to Target and a coffee on your own. Who was up before her family to finish laundry and pack lunches and who will have toys, books, craft supplies and dinner to clean up after bath time tonight – I am praying for you.
To the working mom whose alarm went off at 5am so you could get a workout in before the rest of your family was awake, worked a 8-5 day and only stopped to go to the bathroom once and whose lunch consisted of a pack of crackers and a diet coke. Who is on pick-up for daycare this week and would give anything for her email to stop while she’s watching just one episode of Mickey Mouse with her toddler before bedtime – I’m praying for you.
For the parents who have one child in the hospital and one, or more, child(en) at home. Who haven’t been in the same room with each other for weeks because they are focused on making sure each child is taken care of and feels like everything is going to be ok. Who take shifts sleeping and working, just to pay the medical bills and buy groceries, and sometimes don’t know what day of the week it is – I’m praying for you.
To the father holding the weight of the world on your shoulders so that your wife and children do not have to bear it. Finding all the right things to say when someone asks “how are you?”; defending and protecting your family with every ounce of strength you have that when you hit your knees to pray, all that comes are tears – I’m praying for you.
To the women and men who teach and care for our children while their parents are at work each day. Who comfort them when they are sick or skinned their knee playing outside. Who discipline them, even when you don’t want to, and show them how to share and pray. Who high-five them when they ace their spelling or math test and say “wait till you tell Mom & Dad” – I’m praying for you.
To the mother and father who’s weekly routine involves multiple visits to the cemetery, either before or after work, because you’ve suffered the loss of one or more children. Who spend time each week telling your children about what you wish you were doing with them, here on Earth, instead of them watching you from Heaven – I’m praying for you.
—
To anyone that reads this and can relate to any of these circumstances, I admire your ability to do it every day. I have seen each of you over the past few months and if it wasn’t for the death of my son, Toby, which caused me to look at life in a different way, I may not have seen you, or recognized how hard you are trying. I admire the patience you have, your ability to face each day and your dedication to those that depend on you. I wish you grace and peace for whatever road you are on. I know that you want the children in your lives to feel important and loved. And no matter what anyone says, they DO and that’s because of YOU. You do it best. You love them best and the exact way that they need to be loved.
I am praying for each of you this month because I have seen you and you’ve made an impact on my life, without knowing it, and how I look at every situation. Know that someone is praying for you and wishing that, if even for one moment of your day, you can see yourself and think “I am brave” or “I am doing my best.”
You do not feel it at all, I know. I’m right there with you. But you are. You are brave, and you are wise, and I hope you feel loved.
I found this leaf on the ground yesterday morning as I dropped Luke off. A little sign from our angel, Toby.
This weeks Blue Apron box had Chicken & Bean Enchiladas, hamburgers and shrimp pasta.
The enchiladas were good, but unfortunately two of the tortillas that were sent in the package had holes right in the center of them, so they weren’t usable to fill and roll. Luckily I had some in the pantry, but if I wouldn’t have, we could have only made two tortillas.
These were pretty good, but could have used some guacamole or sour cream. They were a tad bit dry.
Dan cooked the hamburgers, which had great taste and were a good size. The cabbage slaw that was with this meal was good, but just too much, from a portion perspective. The sweet potato fries for this meal were minimal, not like the first weeks portions, which were just enough. His review was “Pretty simple to make. The burgers were really good. Way too much slaw with this one. (which I agree)”
The final meal was the shrimp pasta. This one was also pretty easy to make, not as much prep work as a few of the other meals we’ve had. I will say there was a ton of pasta. We probably could have had another meal with the left overs, but we didn’t have extra shrimp.
Overall, this weeks meals were OK. I think the first week meals were better. This next weeks box arrived yesterday and I have to say I’m pretty excited for the one meal, cauliflower pizza. It looks delicious and it’s not a pre-made pizza, there’s actual dough! 🙂
Week 3’s box arrived and had Cumin-Crusted Pork, Sicilian Cauliflower Pizza, and Seared Chicken and Pan Sauce.
I probably should have looked at the menu and switched a few things up. I’m not crazy about pork or pork chops. They were dry, even with the pan sauce. One positive thing has been the use of blood oranges in a few recipes. This is an ingredient I wouldn’t think of using, but it has been very good and brightened up the dishes. We’ve also learned we’re not fans of fennel or farro (It reminds me of that cereal ‘puffed wheat’ that I ate as a kid – yuck.). It was dry and pasty. Especially paired with the pork.
The Seared Chicken was good. Any chicken that we’ve eaten from Blue Apron has been really good. Another thing that has been a new cooking experience has been Kale – and we’ve really like it. I think that’s one thing we’ll be adding to our grocery list for dinners. Luke has also eaten the chicken and vegetables – I think that’s just a given with toddlers though.
Our final meal was the Sicilian Cauliflower Pizza – this was by far the best meal we’ve had from 3 weeks of meal trial. Luke really liked it. It was super easy to make. I loved that they used actual dough, not a pre-made pizza crust, and you could really taste the difference. We enjoyed cooking this one, as a family, which was a big difference from the other meals because of ingredients, cutting, and the prep work. I kept the recipe card for this meal so I can get the ingredients and make it again. I was a hit in our household!
All in all we’ve enjoyed the last three weeks trying different ingredients and meals with Blue Apron. We have one box left on our 4-week trial. We’re still not certain that we would continue our plan, just because of the price and all that’s involved for preparing, plus we’re cooking something different for Luke every night. But I think those pros/cons are different for every family.
One thing that Blue Apron has started to do is wine pairings with your meals for the month. And, keeping with their great concept of portion control, the bottles are sized for two.
It’s 6 wines per month, $10 per bottle. Three red and three white. I don’t think it’s the cheapest, but if you’re interested in trying some new wine and the right pairing for your meals, this is a nice perk. Also, not having tried it yet, I’m not sure if you have the option to update or switch what you’re being sent, like you can with the meals. If anyone has tried the wine from Blue Apron, let me know your thoughts and if it’s worth the money to try it with your meals. I’m interested in feedback on this.
I have a few codes that Blue Apron sent me for free meals. If anyone is interested in trying Blue Apron, comment below or send me an email: ourhappyplaceandco@gmail.com.
I’m over on the Pittsburgh Moms Blog talking about easy and fun ways to tie your toddler into healthy eating habits in your home (without bribing! 😉 )
Check out the post here: Easy (and fun) Ways to Tie You Toddler into Healthy Eating Habits
Do you have recipes or ways that you tie fruits and veggies into your kids meals that they will eat? We’d love to hear them so that others can try them out if they’re struggling with a picky eater!
I have spend the last few weeks very focused in prayer. That was one of my small goals for the year. It has been normal in these times to also talk to Toby. Tell him what is on my heart and ask for guidance or some sort of sign as to whether or not I should even be carrying whatever it is that is heavy on my heart and mind.
An opportunity presented itself at the beginning of January as a way to help our mission of being a voice for grieving parents and parenting through the loss of a child, while also offering the chance to work with some amazing people. View the video below to see what door has opened for our family (video is ~10mins).
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We continue to be ever grateful for the support, encouragement, outreach, thoughts and prayers for our family. You are in our daily prayer of thanksgiving. Through this new endeavor I look forward to hearing, learning and growing more through those that follow us at Our Happy Place & Co., and those that find us through Pittsburgh Moms Blog Network.
This is our first time trying Blue Apron and a chance to see how well it works for our family versus the normal weekly grocery shopping and (very last minute) dinner choice. For those of you that share in our curiosity of “is it worth it?” here’s your chance to read about our experience and see if you’d like to give it a go.
We had the 3 meals per week for two people, which is priced at $59.99. I was able to preview my menu, switch out meals, and pick the day for our delivery. I received an email the day before our delivery telling me our box was on the way and it arrived on time. I also downloaded the app to my phone (I highly recommend).
First up: Beef Tacos & Radish Salsa
The meal card for each meal that came in the box was helpful for pulling all the ingredients out, but after opening the app and reading some of the tips/reviews – I found that the steps and directions within the app were much easier to follow and didn’t have you doing “unneeded” prep. The Prep Time was 15 mins and the Cook Time said 25-35. I set my stopwatch on my phone to see how evenly this matched. (we’ll come back to that later)
I like that the portion sizes were perfect for two (Luke ate something else for dinner); we didn’t have leftovers or a lot of waste after preparing the meal. The beef was already sliced and ready to be seasoned, which was extremely helpful.
There was a lot of prep involved in making these and each step took a good bit of time. The sweet potato wedges were really good and we’ll definitely be making those again – also, portion size with just using one potato – perfect.
Overall, I’d give it a 6 out of 10 for ease of cooking – the time frame was definitely off. It took me an hour and 10 minutes from start to plating the meal. I’d much prefer something that was a little closer to 30 minutes to prepare and was glad that we had something else for Luke because he’d never last that long waiting for dinner on a weeknight. The other negative was the amount of dishes I had after making this – it was a bit over the top.
Next up, West African Peanut Chicken with Sautéed Kale and Rice. For this recipe I went right for the app directions and had read the tips earlier in the day, prior to dinner prep. We’ve never made sautéed kale before. It cooked fairly easily, but it wasn’t our favorite. I also combined some steps, which I think helped minimize the cook time. I’ve found that a staple of Blue Apron meals is to use the fond left in the pan in the following steps, which does help with the taste and spice. This was in every recipe this week. Also, the sauce for this – there’s a lot leftover, so we used it for our rice but ended up throwing a good bit of it away.
Prep and cook time were about 50 minutes for this one – Blue Apron estimated 60mins+. The chicken cuts were a very good size and portion was actually a little more than I wanted for the rice and kale.
Lastly, we had Orange & Mirni-Glazed Cod with Warm Barley and Broccoli Salad. This dish was our favorite of the week. The cod was frozen when it arrived, but stayed fresh all week and were both decent size portions. Again, I used the app immediately and this meal was probably the most quickly prepared in comparison to the other two from the week.
The use of the Cara Cara Orange in this recipe was great and to our surprise the barley and broccoli salad was super easy to make and had great flavor. I did think the portion size on this one was a little large because the barley was very filling, so we did have some leftovers.
This meal was also very colorful when it was done, with everything that was mixed in. There were not as many dishes to clean up as the other two and cooking time was around 40 minutes – Blue Apron estimated 50mins on the card, so fairly close.
All in all, we enjoyed our first week of meals. The convenience of not having to go to the grocery store or worry if we had every ingredient in the house to make the meal was a time-saver. The recipes this first week seem pretty accessible for beginner cooks or those looking to shake up their weeknight meals for themselves for their family. I also feel like Blue Apron is good for the winter because local produce isn’t as abundant and the produce in these meals were very fresh. One thing that I did find surprising was that the carb intake on each of these meals was super high. As a diabetic and someone that counts carbs at each meal for insulin dosage through my insulin pump, I was a little disappointed that there were so many carbs per serving. Each meal was over 50g of carbs per serving.
From the kids perspective, I think if you had children that were older – maybe 5 and up – they would enjoy helping cook. There’s a lot of prep work with each meal, mixing, washing, cutting, etc. For Luke, who’s only 2, it just wasn’t feasible. Also, I went onto the app mid-way through the week and switched up our pre-packed box for this next week, looking for some recipes that maybe Luke would like to try and also some with side dishes that were a little more what we like to eat. Very convenient to be able to do that each week.
Those that know me know that I’m not a chef. The new recipes we do try are often suggestions from friends or family (and a lot of time prepared by my husband). But I did find this to be therapeutic for me throughout the week. It gave me a chance to unwind a bit, reflect on my week, brainstorm on blog topics, listen to some music and make a good meal.
There were quite a few tips on the app that were helpful and I ended up following versus what was written on the recipe card, so if you’re cooking with Blue Apron – definitely download this app (Hint: preparing the corn tortillas in meal one).
Also, something I learned through the app – there’s no commitment. If you are booked for the weeknights or out of town, you can simply go into the app (or sign in online) and skip your Blue Apron delivery to another week. No problem, no penalties.
We have 3 more weeks of deliveries and have to say, for someone that isn’t an enthusiastic cooker, I’m looking forward to trying next week’s meals and seeing how they are and if the cook time minimizes.
This could be a great housewarming gift or birthday gift for someone who likes to cook, or even a great at-home-date idea. And like I said before, trying this in the winter time is great because of the fresh produce they send in the boxes and is not likely to find around here without paying an arm and a leg.
That being said, I’ve been given “2 free meals” to give away to a friend. If you’re interested in trying Blue Apron, comment below and I’ll be picking two individuals early next week to receive these meals. Please place your email in the comments as well so I can send the invite over to you.
If you’ve tried Blue Apron (or any other packaged meal service), I’d love to hear what you think and why you are or aren’t a fan! And, if you’re a parent and have found meals through Blue Apron that your kids like to eat and/or help cook – please let me know those too. Would love to try a few of those for Luke while we’re giving this service a shot.
Be on the look-out for my review of Week 2. Happy Cooking!
*This post is not sponsored in any way.
I was never much of a numbers person. Milestones have always been for the happiest of things. It is crazy the way your world changes in the face of a traumatic loss.
Five months. 154 days. 3679.5 hrs since I kissed your head and went to work. 149 days since we buried you. Five months and all that it carries. 164 days since we baptized you and asked God to bless and care for you as you continued to grow. Crazy that I know that? No. It’s how my mind works now.
You will be eight months old Friday. With every month that passes, I miss you more. I don’t know how that is humanly possible, but that is how I feel. This time, each month, makes me feel anxious, helpless and so incredibly sad.
I find myself searching for you more. For the first time since September I opened your dresser drawer to get Tylenol for Luke. The second and third drawer are filled with short sleeve clothes and onesies from the summer and for early fall. The site of them made me so nauseous. The smell and feel of those small clothes that you didn’t even fit into yet, I picked them up hoping to feel you. But it’s just empty. Your towel from the bath I gave you on Tuesday night still hangs on the back of your door. I asked my guardian angel to visit you and hold you for a while.
Do you remember everything we did this summer? What were your favorite memories? You loved the pool. The sound from the waterfall soothed you and you were so happy to just lay there on the blanket with Dad, Luke and me. We loved watching you laugh and kick your legs with excitement. Your beautiful smile was contagious and Luke was so excited when he saw you laugh. My little guy, I hope that you are sharing that happiness and excitement and smile to make Heaven a happier place. I am so envious of the angels that get to spend each moment with you. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.
I hope you can hear us talking to you. Praying to you and asking you to carry us another day. Luke misses you – he moved your binky over to where your bears are. I asked him to leave it on the table where it was so you would know, but he insisted that you love those bears and you would want it there with them. When you see us know that our tears are because we can’t see you, feel you, kiss you, play with you. Everything we do, we wish you were with us.
People ask if it is getting easier. No. It will never get easier. I will forever want you here by our side. We will forever love you with the deepest love there is. I long to close my eyes and feel your presence. I will continue to pray that you send us signs, they really help us take another step forward, especially when we are having a bad day. I hope the kisses that we send to Heaven everyday are reaching you. They are filled with love and unconditional longing for you to be here, at home.
Sweet Toby, we love you.
xo, Mommy
I can’t look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on Heaven’s boulevard
And if I know you at all,
I know you’ve gone too far
So I, I can’t look at the starsStars, Grace Potter & The Nocturnals
Our Happy Place & Co. 